The following announcement actually appeared in a Watertown, Massachusetts, church bulletin: "Irving Jones and Jessie Brown were married on October 24th. So ends a friendship that began in school days."…Well, that’s too bad. Did their friendship really have to come to an end?!?
Opposites attract. But they can also attack! It’s called conflict, and our marriages, families, workplaces and other relationships are all susceptible. Conflict often arises from bad expectations. On the one hand, there can be unrealistic expectations. That is to say, we might expect the other to fulfill deepest relational need, which is really our need to know and be known by God, our creator. Depending on other people in our lives for this level of relational fulfillment is a setup for disappointment.
Other kinds of bad expectations may not be unrealistic, they just prove to be false. For example, you might have expected your spouse to keep their clothes in closet, not bedroom floor. Or maybe you expected your husband would want to celebrate Christmas just like your family does. Or perhaps you expected your wife to squeeze toothpaste from a tube just like you do: "Look honey, you’re not doing it right. See, you start at the very bottom of the tube, and flatten it as you go up…" When our expectations prove false, we are disappointed, and we may feel the need to help our spouse by correcting this failure of perception or character; after all, we do love this person. And we get conflict.
Conflict can happen on many, many battlegrounds, including personality, family backgrounds, values, religious beliefs, attitudes, moods, failures, successes, sexual needs, social pressures, illness, how to raise children, how to discipline children, how to save money, how to spend money… these are just a sampling.
And just as there are many battlefields for conflict, there are also many, many weapons for combat. Author and counselor Dr. Everett Worthington lists a number of examples in his satirical guide, "How to Fight Dirty and Win." For example, there is mind control —— tell your partner what they really think. "Oh honey, you’re not angry! You’re just feeling a little bit frustrated." Or diversion —— when confronted, pull into the argument every distraction you can think of, in order to avoid the fault which your spouse has pointed out. Another weapon is the time bomb —— when you notice a problem or shortcoming, make a note of it. When enough infractions have been stored up, explode unpredictably.
Does this sound familiar? Does it sound uncomfortably familiar? In general, people’s responses to relational conflict fall into one of three main categories. First, there is the fight. We may fight with words—words yelled out at home or tersely whispered in a public place. Words may be sent out like wild machine gunning or careful sharp shooting. We can use words as swords to slice and dice, to cut our spouse down to size, to put our life’s partner in his or her proper place. We can also fight with physical violence. This kind of fighting is usually followed by deep regret and excuses. "I’m so sorry honey. I just don’t know what came over me." Notice how using the passive voice—‘it’ overcame me—is used to avoid responsibility.
The second way of responding to conflict is flight. Again, there are generally two kinds. There may be a non—physical flight. You may seek to check out without actually leaving. This may be a verbal withdrawal. You simply stop talking to the other person in order to shut them out of your life. A longer term strategy is emotional withdrawal. The marriage relationship grows cold and distant, with interactions limited to what is absolutely necessary to keep the ‘business’ side of things going. But in addition to non—physical forms of flight, there is also physical flight. When conflict arises, one spouse simply walks out, preferring to slam doors. He or she may leave the room, or leave the home. They might walk or run, drive or even fly away.
The third response to conflict is to seek reconciliation. As you might guess, this is the preferred response. But we’ll get to the particulars of reconciliation later on.
In order to better deal with conflict in marriage and our other important relationships, we need to look at the root, where it all began. We need to go all the way back, to the Garden of Eden. That’s the birthplace for humanity’s selfish pride, where we first acted on our desire to be in charge. Believing the promise of the serpent, that they would be like God, Adam and Eve took and ate the forbidden fruit. And now, through our first parents, we have inherited sinfulness, and thus in our nature we bear a remarkable resemblance to them. We still want to take God’s place on the throne of our lives.
This is what Paul refers to as the futile way of the unbelieving Gentiles, in verses 17—19 of our reading from the Scriptures. He has in mind those people who are without God. They are darkened in their understanding, and lost. They are separated from the fullness of life with God, so they want to fill themselves by becoming all. Paul teaches that the root of their lostness is that they are hard hearted: "They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts." As a result, they have no heart for others, only for themselves. For them, the self comes first.
So, as a result, when they lose sensitivity (their care for others), they replace it with sensuality (gratifying only the self). And the self proves to be a very hungry god to worship, always seeking more and more and more. The self once on the throne, is never satisfied.
If this is our sinful, human tendency, no wonder our relationships get snagged! We hear that demon of pride speaking to us, whispering in our inner ear, especially in conflict situations. "Hey, you don’t have to put up with this garbage." We become convinced—I, me, that’s who’s important here.
Sinful pride always tells us the problem is the other person. Pastors who do any kind of marriage counseling are told, one of two things, or sometimes both: "My spouse just won’t talk." Or, "My spouse won’t listen." No one ever has come to me and said, "Pastor, the problem with our marriage is that I won’t talk and share what I’m feeling." Or, "The problem with our marriage is that, no matter what, I just won’t listen."
How do we find a way beyond our prideful selves? Paul says the solution is found in seeking out a Christ—like selflessness. He writes about this in verses 20—24. An extreme makeover is required, Paul says. That old selfish self, the one you once were? Get rid of her! Get rid of him! That person is just trouble! "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires."
Instead, Paul says, you’ve got to put on the new self. Well, how does that happen? Well, you need to be made new, in the attitude of your mind. You need to learn to think—straight. Then you can put on new self, for, in an ironic twist, we were created to be more like God than we presently are.
In our relationships what follows that transformation is a spirit of reconciliation. The fact is conflicts themselves do not destroy marriages. Many people have gone through all kinds of conflicts, from bankruptcy to adultery to childlessness and their marriages have survived. Others have gone through much less and had their marriages completely destroyed. What’s the secret?
The secret ingredient to lasting marriage is a spirit of reconciliation. What does that mean, what is that? The Spirit of reconciliation, in a relationship, in a marriage, is to be constantly seeking to make things right, to be on a constant lookout for ways to make your relationship better. Those who are able to reconcile are rooted in humility, the very opposite of pride. So first of all, you need to recognize your own conflict with God—your sin! Remember what Christ has done to set you free, what sacrifice he has made for you. The Spirit of reconciliation follows naturally when we are imitators of God, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.
Here’s a good rule of thumb for conflict situations: Assume that you are part of the problem. In fact, for the sake of growing in humility, why not assume that in fact you are the problem! Remember what Jesus taught his disciples: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
Assuming you are a significant part of the problem makes it easier to heed holy hints, those whisperings of the Holy Spirit. You know what I’m talking about! You know there are times when God speaks to you in a conflict: "Slow down! Rearrange your thinking. Forgive. Seek peace. Swallow your pride." When the Holy Spirit speaks to you like this, Listen!
We need to pause here and take note of something very important. I am not issuing here a call to allow yourself to be mistreated. God did not create you to be abused. You are created in the image of God, and worthy of respect. If you are in an abusive relationship you need to recognize it as such and get away from it. You see, here’s an essential aspect of reconciliation: it cannot happen from one direction only. Both of you at the same time must assume that you are a major part of the problem. One partner cannot be thinking, "I’ll take care of this alone. I know she won’t bend." One partner cannot be thinking, "This is all my fault. That’s why he gets angry with me, that’s why he hits me." You are not an object to be knocked around. You are God’s beloved child. Reconciliation takes both of you.
Paul reminded us that the goal of life in Christ is to seek to become more and more like God. In verse 24, Paul wrote, "…put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
And so, since God pursued reconciliation with us, we ought to be reconciled to one another. Thus we need to talk! Together!! Love one another with your words. That command has two sides. On the one hand, avoid saying mean spirited things to each other. Again, hear Paul on this: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." On the other hand, offer helpful, encouraging words. That is, "what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Let your words build one another up.
Avoid letting unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, instead, build each other up.
But how do you do that, really? I mean, really? What does that look like in a real life, this century, in a flesh and blood, give and take relationship? It sounds good. But it is very difficult to do.
So how do you resolve conflict in marriage and other relationships, through a helpful use of reconciling words? In his book, Fit to Be Tied, Pastor Bill Hybels advocates for what he calls ‘holding peace talks.’ Peace talks, he says, must be planned—and intentionally carried out. Not all situations in a marriage require all elements to be present. But when conflict needs to be resolved, each of the following ingredients is important.
First, find a quiet place to talk alone. That means no kids, no TV, no cell phones—in short, no interruptions. Second, affirm one another. And affirm your marriage. Your marriage is not the same as your spouse. For example, "Louise, I love you and I value our marriage. We’ve got some things to work through, and it will be difficult, but I think it’s worth it."
Next, be sure to speak directly to the other person. You might think this is obvious, but for many of us it isn’t. Did you know that in the course of an average day, the average person says their dog’s name more often than their spouse’s name? Use your spouse’s name when holding peace talks, and not in that commanding, full—name—with—middle—name—included kind of way. Use your spouse’s everyday name in talking together.
Fourth, and this is very important, generally and for peace talks: talk like a child. Think for a moment about how a child speaks. A three year old will say, "I don’t like onions." Or, "I want a candy." Or, "Grandma is fat." How do we respond? We train a child not to speak like that! We train that directness right out of them. We teach them how to nuance what they say. We give them skills in speaking with subtlety, and we think we are doing them a favor. Well, sometimes yes, but sometimes no.
Speak directly to your spouse. We tend to give hints, and expect that our spouse will pick up on them. But a lot of the time, this doesn’t work. If you think your spouse just can’t take a hint, then don’t give him one.
Compare these two statements: One spouse might say something like: "It feels like we’ve been watching a lot of TV lately. And yet, I can’t really remember any of the shows we’ve seen—there’s really nothing good on." A better approach is to say "I don’t want to watch TV tonight. Let’s play scrabble or backgammon together instead."
Speak directly —— say what’s on your mind. And this applies as well in a whole host of situations, from work to sports teams to especially the church. As Paul says in verse 25, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
Another important rule for holding peace talks is to avoid the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. That just serves as an invitation for your spouse to prove you wrong. "Oh yeah? Well then what about the time…"
And avoid cheap shots on the go. These are those mumbled comments under your breath, or that biting, sarcastic comment launched just before leaving the room or slamming the door.
What you want to do is express your hurts, not your hostility. You have to understand anger. Anger is always a second emotion. You are frustrated, so you get angry. You are hurt, so you get angry. And this comes out in hostility. Hostility is not helpful because it blows up bridges. Hostile anger puts others on the defensive, encourages them to respond in the same way. On the other hand, expressing hurts builds bridges. For instance, a spouse in peace talks might say, "I felt hurt today when you insulted me in front of your friends" instead of "You were a real jerk this afternoon."
That leads us to another rule for peace talks. Use what are called "I" statements. Using "You," especially with a pointed finger, is interpreted as accusative and judgmental. "You treat my mother like dirt." Start instead with "I". And no cheating! This would be an example of cheating, "I couldn’t help but notice you treat my mother like dirt."
The second best word, or best word to come second is either "feel" or "felt." For example, "I feel angry" or "I felt humiliated."
Given all the work that is going into careful speaking, it’s important to also practice good listening skills. Good listening is rarer than you might think. After all, there are 4 parts to every conversation. He speaks. She listens. She speaks. He listens. Each part is necessary.
Let me illustrate by noting what listening is not. Listening is not the time to formulate your next point. It is not merely time spent waiting for the other to stop talking. Listening is waiting, not for, but on the other person. Look at the person you are listening to. Look at their eyes. And here is where the importance of setting up well, of removing all distractions—no children, no TV, no cell phones comes into play. To listen well you need to empty yourself, and prepare to be filled.
So listen well! Paul says helpful words will benefit those who listen.
But you cannot stop there, with all hurts out in the open. That’s no place for them. In peace talks, seek out and accept the blame that is rightfully yours. Say, I’m sorry. "I’m sorry I forgot to pick you up in town." Or "I should never have said those things to you at all, especially with the kids around. I’m sorry."
Finally, after clarifying the problem and causes and issues involved, ask, "What do we do now? How can we come together?" Practice of the spirit of reconciliation. Work at it together. Brainstorm. Be creative. "How can we get through this difficulty? What can I give up? What can you give up?" A key at this point is: Do NOT give in—to anger. Seek help as necessary—perhaps with trusted and wise friends or a pastor or a professional counselor.
Now you may think this sounds like a lot of hard work. Wrong! This is extremely hard work. But it’s worth it. It’s part of the price of a good relationship. A good marriage. A lasting marriage. It’s also simply a part of our calling as God’s children. It is how we are called to live.
So let us do as Paul teaches. "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
Everett Vander Horst
Everett Vander Horst is the senior pastor at Shawnee Park Christian Reformed Church, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He and his wife Christa have been married for 14 years, and have 3 children: Laura (10), Eric (7) and Jason (5). A Canadian, Everett grew up on a dairy farm in southwestern Ontario. After graduating from Calvin Theological Seminary in 1996, he and Christa moved to British Columbia where Everett was ordained as pastor in the Telkwa Christian Reformed Church. They took the call to Shawnee Park CRC in 2001. When he is not pastoring, Everett enjoys digital photography, fishing as well as building toys and furniture in his basement woodshop.
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