Back To The Garden: Intimacy In Marriage

By: Everett Vander Horst

Scripture Reading: Genesis 2:18-25

September 28th, 2008

Earlier in our relationship, my wife Christa and I used to share quality time with one another by cooking meals together. While we were dating, we would sometimes plan out and prepare a meal together. We’d make something we hadn’t made before—sometimes we’d make something we hadn’t even heard of before! It was really just an excuse to spend even more time together, or give to one another. Christa would bake some chocolate treat for me. And I remember the first year we were married, when I was a student in seminary and Christa was working full time, I’d prepare elaborate multi—course meals for when she got home, just as a way of saying "I love you."

The other night, we both came home from work exhausted. The kids were hungry. Christa suggested throwing some frozen hamburger patties on the grill, but that sounded like too much work to me. So I microwaved some corn dogs for everyone. It was yet another ‘fend for yourself’ kind of night, a scavenger hunt for whatever food might be found.

So where does romance go after the wedding?

The initial fire of passion and delight is so consuming, so much time and energy and distraction is connected with thinking of the one we love, wanting to be with him, knowing that you were created for her—and she for you. Where does all that go? Most of us know enough about real life relationships to realize that that level of passion won’t define the relationship forever, but surely one can expect that something of it would last for a lifetime, right?

Today I want to talk about romance and intimacy—including sexual intimacy—as God intended it. We’ll be reminded that this degree of intimacy is reserved for the marriage relationship. But all of us, from young to old, married and single, those looking to become married and those who will remain single, can be a part of encouraging right and godly thinking about intimacy, especially over against a culture with a very twisted and selfish view.

As we see from our reading from Genesis 2, it is God’s intention for us to enjoy marriage—and all our relationships with others. The happiness and comfort we feel in the presence of others, the way we are attracted to another when entering into a relationship with romantic potential—all these are hard—wired into us as part of being human. If all we had to do in life was focus on maintaining and enjoying healthy marriages and other relationships, we would likely find them a whole lot more satisfying and fulfilling.

The fact is, there are all kinds of competing concerns that can stifle romance in a healthy, well—grounded marriage. Bill and Lynne Hybels write about this in their very practical book about marriage, Fit to be Tied. First of all, money becomes more and more of a concern after marriage. While dating, partners may be financially more flexible because, while living at home with parents or sharing a house with some roommates, expenses are lower. But once there is a mortgage payment to make, utility bills to pay, diapers to buy and a lawn mower to replace, purchasing a dozen long stemmed roses is no longer a romantic gift, it’s a frivolous waste of money!

Second, with adulthood the degree and number of commitments increases. Spouses are not only adjusting to life together, they are also having to balance the requirements of starting a new job, building a business, advancing a career, preparing meals, unloading the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, serving as a deacon or elder at church, helping to teach Sunday School, shuttling kids between soccer games and band practice—there just isn’t enough time for romance!

Third (and this is a direct result of the demands on our time), there isn’t enough energy for romance. For instance, a busy young family, once the dishes are cleared, homework finished, and the kids settled in bed, there’s barely enough energy left to lift up the TV remote before falling asleep on the sofa!

Fourth, some of us may find it hard to maintain healthy romance because of what Bill Hybels calls a task or goal oriented approach to life. A young man sets his sights on a young woman who has captured his heart, so he pours himself into winning hers. He sets aside other distractions to focus on this goal—it’s almost like a competition between his persistence and her resistance. But after some hard work, the wedding is set, planned, executed and so a deed accomplished. Great! Now he can move on to getting that promotion at work. And she is left wondering, whatever happened to they guy who loved me? Another scenario is when a couple becomes focused on starting a family, and once the baby arrives, he finds that her role as a wife has been eclipsed by her identity as a mother! Suddenly, it seems, all her attention and affection is directed towards a drooling, cooing, crying intruder!

As I said earlier, we all probably expect some level of ‘cooling off’ to happen in the early years of marriage, but what a hollow relationship marriage can be if there is no romance, no intimacy left! The unfortunate result is two people living separate lives. Hybels describes it well: "Feelings become mere memories… [and] spouses relate like roommates who share an occasional one night stand." It sounds scary to those anticipating marriage, and scarily familiar to many of us who have already made our vows.

To regain perspective, we are looking today at God’s plan for marriage by examining the foundational first marriage, here in Genesis 2:18—25. The fact is, as I mentioned earlier, we are created for companionship. It is not good to be alone —— even God sees that; it was his observation of Adam soon after creation. In fact, in all of creation there is not one fitting for the man. No companion for him was found among all the creatures God had made.

We have need of companionship. We have need of a suitable helper. We are created for community —— we cannot fully live without it. And while we observe that it is not good for a person to be alone, I have to say right away that this does not rule out a healthy life of singleness. Remember, the apostle Paul was a single man all his life. He said that remaining single is a gift—one with benefits for the kingdom of God. But even Paul, and all people, single or married, still need the community, support, and intimacy of fellowship that comes of being in relationship with others. That is why we are created and raised in the context of families. The family unit is a small community designed to nurture us from complete helplessness to healthy interdependence with others. But to achieve the closest intimacy among human beings, for the man, woman is created. For the woman, man is given.

In the beginning, God said, after Adam’s unsatisfying survey of all creation, "I will once again make a new creation, a new start. And so from man’s rib, the woman was created. The word used in the original Hebrew is most precisely translated, "the side." Matthew Henry, a Bible commentator of 18th century, saw significance in the fact that the stuff for the creation of the woman was taken from the man’s side. He wrote, "She is not made from the head, to top him, not from the feet, to be trampled by him, but his side, to stand beside him as partner, under his arm, to be protected, near his heart, to be beloved." Man and woman are two creatures, made from one flesh. They were created apart, but made to be together.

So God performed the necessary surgery, and the woman was created. A quick and cursory reading of the passage always left me picturing the scene as Adam waking up from his sleep, discovering the woman lying naked beside him, and him saying, "Well, hello there! I am very pleased to meet you!" But a more careful reading of the text reveals a very different scene. Here we see God acted as father—of—the—bride. Adam didn’t wake up to her. They were not left alone to meet one another. She was brought to Adam by the Lord—her creator and his.

Adam looked and saw that she was very good. Again, a quick reading leaves us with a fairly formal and serious assessment submitted by Adam: "Yes, Lord. I see. This is now bone of my bone…" I think the translation here is too clinical, it doesn’t quite capture it. Adam, the poor man, has just held a very disappointing series of interviews with every animal on the earth. That took no small amount of time, and yet yielded no results! Adam’s exhausted, and has to take a nap. After he wakes up, God comes and says, "I’ve got someone I’d like to introduce to you. And Adam says "At last! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh." Ah yes, God is good!

Right then and there a covenant is established—a lasting covenant relationship that comes to govern all of human history. It is exclusive (there will be no others!). It is complete (a man leaves his family, his band of closest relations). It is permanent (they will be united, and he will cleave to his wife).

This unique relational covenant is a God made—bond, one that only God can create, for they shall be one flesh. There is a sexual, and creative element here, an exclusive joining. It is partially through that union that the two are made one again.

But there is more—their lives are intertwined; it is a miracle, the two are made one. Only God can do this.

Each also remains a valuable person. At this point, there is no talk of childbearing here. She is not yet named ‘Eve,’ which means mother. In the beginning, the woman is valued for who she is, a valuable person in her own right, not primarily for what she does. And in the same way, Adam too is a valued partner in the relationship.

And they were completely at ease with one another. This was true physically—they were both naked, and they were not ashamed. But in all ways, they were completely at ease with one another: emotionally, socially, spiritually—in every way. There is nothing that comes between them. Here is the basis for understanding marriage in the Old Testament; here is God’s will for marriage.

So what then of our own intimacy? Is it even possible to fan it back into flame, to go from buried embers to crackling bonfire!?! Yes. But we need to lay a lasting foundation.

First, that means seeing romance and intimacy in proper perspective. We need to remember the larger picture. Sexual intimacy is a part of marriage; along with emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual intimacy. All of these contribute to the unity of a healthy marriage, its interactive connectedness.

And sexual intimacy is one aspect of that healthy, interactive marriage. I need to say that because there does tend to be a difference of perspective on intimacy, a difference generally between men and women. Men tend to see sexual intimacy as the final stage of intimacy—a goal to achieve, a goal reached at marriage. Women tend to see sexual intimacy as a part of a whole relationship, one not easily isolated from the rest, and part of a larger package. Both perspectives are right, but a heavy emphasis on one versus the other can cause conflict. And anger. And hurt.

Hence, for better intimacy, there is a continuing need for romance. Often we think romance is the trap by which a spouse is snared. Once the job is finished, there is no need to bother anymore. But consider Ephesians 5:25. One translation puts it this way, "Husbands, treasure your wives." It is a present imperative verb in a form that suggests continuing action. So one could also say, "Husbands, keep on treasuring your wives." To treasure is to act as if this object of your affection is the most valuable thing in the world. Treasuring is how most act while dating. Do you still act like that?

Also, keep in mind that this verb ‘treasure’ is an imperative, a command. ‘Treasuring’ is not optional, for husband or wife in the marriage relationship. Any wife who does not treasure her husband, any husband who does not treasure his wife, is blatantly disobeying one of God’s commandments.

Am I making God’s will clear enough?

Anyone who does not treasure their spouse is blatantly disobeying God’s commandment. That means work. Hard work. In his book, As For Me and My House, Pastor Walter Wangerin suggests seeing marriage as a 3rd being in your relationship. That means there is the husband, who is an individual, and the husband is in need of certain kinds of nurturing in order to remain healthy. And the wife is the same, a specific being in need of care and nurture.

But there is another being that both husband and wife must work to care for. And that 3rd being is the marriage itself. This will mean sometimes doing things that neither of you may need, but the marriage does. It is like a fragile person in your midst, that the two of you need to take care of, aside from yourself and the other. And romance, nurturing intimacy, is a vital part of nurturing the marriage relationship.

Now go and do! Here again I borrow from the work of Bill and Lynne Hybels. Their practical guidelines for re—establishing romance in marriage come from the wisdom of experience and the joy of success.

The first part in encouraging intimacy in marriage is to talk again. Remember talking? Remember when you would stay together up until right before curfew, just talking. But this can become a lost skill. Recently I observed a middle aged couple having dinner together in a restaurant. They hardly spoke to each other at all, but studied the little dessert and drink menu on the table, and the memorabilia on the walls. Then when their plates arrived, they dove in, silently consuming their food. I bet they spoke more to the waiter than to each other!

So talk. Make small talk. Ask what each person did today. Tell of something you read. Point out something beautiful. Call one another if you can. Make small talk, but make big talk too! Share the memories of childhood. The things you hope for, the things you are afraid of. Talk about what is going well with your relationship and where there are areas of strain. If you want to nurture intimacy, and treasuring one another is a command, then you need to talk.

The next step in building intimacy is to return to the ways of your youth—before marriage! Seek to win your spouse’s affection all over again. Touch each other again, in non—sexual ways. Hold hands. Put an arm around her. Give him a foot massage—even when you don’t feel like it—because sometimes actions can lead to feelings, and not just feelings leading to actions. Serve one another again. Remember when he used to open your door first? Remember when she would bring you fresh baked cookies while you were working? Go back to doing things that benefit the other person. And win your spouse’s heart by being their number one cheerleader again. If anyone is letting your spouse know that they can do it, that they should pursue a dream or a goal, it ought to be you. Don’t leave that job to another.

Another ingredient for renewing romantic intimacy is to discover your spouse’s ‘love language’ as described in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. There he explains how "I love you" is expressed and heard in different ways by different people. You ought not too easily assume that your ‘I love you’s’ are getting through. For example, she feels loved when she’s told "I love you", so tells him often. He feels loved through physical touch, so often gives her a pat, a hug, a squeeze.

But he thinks, "She says she loves me, but why doesn’t she show it?"

And she thinks, "Why doesn’t he ever tell me he loves me? He just paws at me all day long."

Each one was saying, "I love you" but in a foreign language. Chapman writes about five ‘love languages’—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Think it through. Talk it over. And so learn again to say "I love you" in a language your spouse can understand.

A fourth way to rebuild intimacy is to have some fun interacting together. Turn off the TV and break out a favorite game. Or pick up the controllers on your kids’ video game console. Or get a babysitter for a day and go to an amusement park together—without the kids! Have some fun together, just the two of you. It is a mistake to spend all your alone time being serious. Remember some of the crazy things you used to do together that made you laugh out loud, and do them again.

Fifth and finally, have what Bill and Lynne Hybels call ultimate fun —sex. Or, better yet, make… love. Again, some thoughts from Walter Wangerin:

"In the best sense of the words, making love means that in the act of sexual union the couple makes manifest their love for one another. It is expressing what is too deep for words. It is husband and wife committing themselves to the slow and tender task of creating their own unique patterns of the expression of their love for one another."

Remember! You are your spouse’s only option for sexual expression. The intimacy of a marital covenant is exclusive. There can be no other. So enjoy one another, together.

How is that flame rekindled? Well, for starters, return to step one and talk about it. It’s not unspeakable, least of all between the two of you. Share what goes well and what doesn’t. Steve King, staff psychiatrist at Pine Rest Christian Hospital writes, "Most people could be having a better sex life if they would just talk about it."

So discuss your relationship, but be sure to set your own standards. Don’t let anyone else define how you ought to love one another. Not your spinster Aunt Matilda, not Playboy magazine. Not your parents or your preacher, not Hollywood or Dr. Phil.

Let your relationship be your relationship.

And remember that lovemaking starts elsewhere. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Again, remember that intimacy is expressed physically, but also intellectually, emotionally etc. So then it often begins with a whispered word in the back yard, a hug in the kitchen, unasked for vacuuming in the living room.

So then, finally, with openness and tenderness, with passion and with fun, engage in some research and development. Do some undercover research.

Because intimacy, in all its various forms, is a gift from God. It is his will for us, a blessing. So together, seek to get back to the garden.

Prayer

Father, in your blessings to us you have given relationships. We pray that you would bless all our relationships with appropriate levels of intimacy—open sharing of ourselves with one another. We thank you too for the special intimacies of marriage. We pray that you would help us to tear down the barriers that block our intimacy, and love for each other, that we make marriages which are pleasing in your delighted eyes.
In the name of Jesus we pray this. Amen.

About the Author

Everett Vander Horst

Everett Vander Horst is the senior pastor at Shawnee Park Christian Reformed Church, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He and his wife Christa have been married for 14 years, and have 3 children: Laura (10), Eric (7) and Jason (5). A Canadian, Everett grew up on a dairy farm in southwestern Ontario. After graduating from Calvin Theological Seminary in 1996, he and Christa moved to British Columbia where Everett was ordained as pastor in the Telkwa Christian Reformed Church. They took the call to Shawnee Park CRC in 2001. When he is not pastoring, Everett enjoys digital photography, fishing as well as building toys and furniture in his basement woodshop.

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